


where it wasn't supposed to be

by smolheart



Series: in mysterious ways [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alexander needs to be protected, Charles Lee sucks, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-05-27 09:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6279322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolheart/pseuds/smolheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the "you were next to me at the laundromat and i saw blood on your clothes and what the hell are you okay" au no one asked for</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i found

**Author's Note:**

> i know its short but this is (hopefully) just the beginning  
> tumblr: fn-hamilton  
> twitter: 1776trash

The laundromat was fairly quiet for a Sunday afternoon, a few older ladies being the only ones there when John walked in, his phone which was playing music loudly through his earbuds in one hand and laundry bag in the other. He went about his business as usual, humming along to his music. when he noticed another man around his age walk in. He walked quickly with his head down, choosing the washing machine next to his and fumbling around in his pockets for his change. A laundry bag was thrown over his shoulder and he remained silent as he dumped his bag into the machine. A few articles of clothing missed and John did a double take when he realized they had bloodstains on them. 

“Hey man are you alright?”

He reached out to touch his shoulder but the other man lurched backwards, falling into the machines behind him. As painful as it sounded, it gave John the chance to get a good look at his face, which he realized sported a black eye. The injured one of the two was now shaking, using his hand to steady himself. 

“Do you need help?”

John sputtered his words out, doing a one over of the man and noticing he also had bruises on both of his wrists. He didn't answer him verbally but nodded slightly and gestured towards the door with his foot. John turned his head and looked outside, where a man much taller than the both of them with beady dark eyes and black slicked back hair paced on the sidewalk, stopping every once and a while to look inside and mouth at him to hurry up.

“What's your name?”

Before he could answer, tall slicked back hair man poked his head through the door and answered for him. 

“Alexander honey we have places to be, try to hurry along.”

He spoke in an endearing tone that made John sick to his stomach, and it appeared it made Alexander feel that way too. The sound on both of their washers dinged and John dug around in his pockets, finally landing on a business card and sliding it to Alex, who glanced outside before pocketing it quickly. 

“John Laurens, call the number on the card if you need help.” 

Alex whispered his thanks and grabbed his things, bolting out the door before John could say another word.  
-  
John took his time unloading his clothes and went home, glancing down at his phone more than he normally did to make sure he didn't miss a call from Alexander. 

At 5:00 his roommate, Hercules, came home and immediately noticed Johns distressed state. 

“You okay?”

He questioned him and sat down next to on the couch, where John sat staring at his at his phone and picking at the hem of his shirt.

“Met a guy at the laundromat today who was washing blood out of his clothes and had a black eye, some guy was with him and I think it was his boyfriend...he just looked like a douche”

Herc nodded and listened to John as he continued to ramble 

“I gave him my business card before he left to call if he needed help and I can't stop freaking out over it.”

John sighed, dropping his head in his hands. He had only seen him for 5 minutes but it broke his heart to see him so terrified at the the thought of John touching his shoulder and to see how fast he ran out of the laundromat when the man he was with called him out.  
-  
He went about the rest of the day as normally as he worry would let him and he brushing his teeth when he saw his phone light up with an unknown number. Dropping his tooth brush on the floor, he picked up the phone, practically screaming hello into in the other end. 

“Is this John Laurens?”

His voice was shaky and John could tell he had been crying. 

“Yeah it's me are you okay where are you?”

“Outside the laundromat.”

By now John was pulling on his coat and running out that door, leaving a note for Hercules taped to the light switch. 

“I'm walking there now just stay put okay?”

He sprinted down the street in the dark towards the mat, thankful it had a light up sign so he knew exactly where to go.


	2. talk some sense to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy wow i didn't expect to get such a response to the first chapter, THANK YOU!!!!! i'm so glad ya'll are liking this story and as you can probably tell, it's continuing (: one more thing, i'm sick right now so sorry for any grammar issues or anything like that that i didn't catch!
> 
> tumblr: fn-hamilton  
> twitter: 1776trash

Soon enough he reached it and saw Alex standing against the wall, fresh bruises up and down his arms and his lip busted. 

“Alexander....”

He jogged over to him, remembering not to grab him and immediately threw off his coat to give him. Alexander shook like a leaf but took the coat, throwing it over his shoulders. 

“Did the guy from earlier do this to you?”

Alex nodded, wiping away tears with the back of his hand. 

“Boyfriend...Charles...told me to get out and I didn't know where to go.”

“You can come back to my apartment, I have a roommate Hercules and he looks a little rough but I swear he wouldn't hurt a fly.”

Alex nodded and the pair started walking. John tentatively placed an arm around Alex's shoulders, breathing a sigh of relief when he didn't flinch, but relaxed under him. They reached they apartment and walked in, Hercules on the couch with the note John left is his hand. 

“That's Herc...Herc this is Alex”

Alex nodded and Hercules smiled a little before disappearing back into his room. 

“Sit, I'll get you ice for your lip.”

Alex sat down on the couch, glancing around the room quietly until John came back with an ice pack. 

“I won't make you talk tonight, you should get some rest. I'll bum it here and let you take my bed.”

Alex remained quiet, holding the ice pack to his lip as he walked into the bedroom which was covered in posters from protests and drawings. John shut the light off and glanced back at Alex one more time before closing the door and walking back into the living room.

He turned on the TV and tried to distract himself from the Alex situation but nothing seemed to work. He finally began to drift off to sleep a few hours later, but was awoken by the sound of Alex thrashing around in bed and a few stray "no"s and "please stop”. Jumping to his feet, he opened the door as quiet as he could and sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Alex Alex wakeup”

He didn't want to touch him but he didn't have much of a choice, so he shook him a little and he snapped out of the thrashing state, still mumbling as he sat up in bed. 

“Charles!”

He practically screamed his name, panic etched on his face as he glanced around the room and raised his hands to cover his face. 

“I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm-”

“Alexander”

At the sound of Johns voice he lifted his head, dropping his arms and looking at him doe eyed. 

“Charles isn't here, I'm John. We met at the laundromat today and I gave you my number and you called me a few hours ago and we came back here.”

Alex nodded slowly, the day's events coming back to him as his expression morphed into something more upset than scared. 

“I'm sorry I woke you up I'll go-”

He went to get up off to bed but John jumped up and blocked his path. 

“It's 2am you aren't going anywhere, you don't need to be sorry.”

Alex sat back down and John followed, sitting next to him on the bed. 

“I know we were going to talk tomorrow but I think you'll sleep better if we talk now. What do you think?”

Alex nodded and choked down his tears, talking quietly. 

“Boyfriend....started dating 8 months ago. It started out great but then he started to get angry more. Over little things. And with getting angry came getting physical.”

John could tell he was on the brink of sobbing and it broke his heart. He had dealt with this sort of situation before, he was a crisis center manager after after all, but this one felt more personal. 

“Tonight...I was feeling sick so I didn't do much for dinner. He came home from work and got mad, starting throwing things around, things including me.”

Alex stumbled over the last few words, tears falling down his face and over his busted lip. 

“Told me to get out and I didn't know what to do.”

“You did the best thing you could...and I know you want to rest but I have one more question.”

Alex looked up at him and raised an eyebrow, his eyes bloodshot from crying. 

“Does he ever make you...?”

John didn't have to complete his sentence for Alex to understand what he was implying and he turned white as a sheet, his hands trembling in his lap.

“You don't have to answer if you don't want to. But just know whatever you say, and what you already have said is safe with me.”

At that Alex broke, mumbling something before buckling down into sobs, his whole body shaking. John showed him his hand and motioned to his shoulders, Alex nodding and John wrapping an arm around him, letting him fall against his shoulder. 

They stayed like that for about ten minutes before Alex brought his head up, John handing him a few tissues to wipe his face. 

“Can we sleep?”

“I would love that quite honestly.”

Alex cracked a smile at Johns response, laying back down and turning to look at John, who was still sitting up. 

“Can you stay?”

John stayed quiet, but laid down next to Alex, tugging the blankets over them before turning to look at him with a small smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor alex ):
> 
> next chapter we meet some more characters so stay tuned and leave feedback!


	3. makeshift game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for drugging/implied non-con at the end 
> 
> okay i have no clue how i crisis center works/what one looks like but in this universe its set up with a cubicle style hot-line answering area and private rooms in the back, hopefully that makes sense
> 
> tumblr: fn-hamilton  
> twitter: 1776trash

“Hey John I m-”

Hercules threw open the door to his room, but shut himself up when he saw John still fast asleep, Alex more or less lying on top of him, Johns arms draped around him. 

“Ooookkkkay”

He chuckled to himself and shut the door, walking back into the kitchen to eat by himself. 

-

“mmmfff”

John groaned as he woke up, immediately noticing the weight of another person on top of him and smiling a little when he realized who it was. His eye and lip were still swollen but he looked so peaceful and he didn't have the heart to wake him up. But good for Johns rib cage, Alex woke up soon after him. 

“What the-”

He snapped awake when he noticed he was lying on top of someone, jerking back. 

“Alex Alex relax its me.”

He sat up slowly and brushed his curls out of his face, Alex relaxing when he met his eyes. 

“You had an panic attack last night and I crashed here after you calmed down.”

“Oh”

Alex bit his bottom lip and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Did you sleep alright?”

“Good enough”

John chuckled a little at his answer, getting up and digging through his closet. He pulled out a pair of black joggers and a navy blue NY Knicks sweatshirt, tossing them to Alex. 

“I highly doubt you want to go about the rest of the day in clothes you've had on for almost 2 days.”

Alex nodded and took the clothes, going into the bathroom to change as John went to kitchen to make coffee. Soon enough, Alex came out, his thick dark hair falling around his shoulders and small build practically swimming in Johns sweatshirt. 

“I made coffee”

Alex smiled a little and took the mug John held out to him, holding it with both hands as he sat down. 

“I have to go to work but I'd like it if you came with me.”

Alex raised an eyebrow as he sipped at his coffee. 

“It's a crisis center...but you can just lounge around you don't have to talk to anyone.”

John sat across from him and Alex's face fell a little. 

“He'll probably call sooner or later.”

John had almost forgotten the reason Alex was even there, sighing as he set his mug down. 

“And we can deal with that when it happens.”

Alex nodded a little, the look in his eyes crushing Johns heart.  
-  
John pushed open the door of the center, Eliza poking her head out from behind her cubicle and smiling. 

“John!”

She whisper yelled his name and took off her headset, getting up and walking over to hug him. 

“How was your weekend?”

“Eventful, can we talk?”

Eliza nodded, her expression concerned as John followed her back into her cubicle, Alex picking up a magazine to read. 

“Who was the guy with you?”

John let out a long sigh and sat down, running a hand through his hair. 

“His name’s Alex. I Met him in all of his black eye glory washing blood out of clothes at the laundromat yesterday, he was there with his boyfriend so I gave him my card. He called at night freaking out because the guy had been throwing him around all night and told him to leave. He ended up crashing at my place.”

“I tried to ask if anything ever happened besides just being thrown around and he had a breakdown so I'm assuming that's a yes.”

Eliza took John in another hug, resting her chin on his shoulder for a moment before pulling away. 

“Do you have a name for the boyfriend?”

“Charles but he won't give me a last name.”

Eliza typed something into her computer, clicking through a few things before turning back to John. 

“There was a Charles Lee arrested for assault a 3 months ago but the charges appeared to have been dropped.”

John scotched his chair closer to the screen and scrolled down to the mugshot, the face looking back at him being that of the man he saw with Alex. 

“That's him.”

His voice was quiet and Eliza nodded, jotting something down before looking back up. 

“Do you think he'll talk if we can get him in today?”

“I told him he wouldn't have to, he got all nervous when I said we were coming to a crisis center, but you can give it a shot.”

Eliza nodded and got up, exiting her cubicle and walking to wear Alex was sitting, now on his 3rd magazine.  
-  
“Hello...”

She sat down next to him and he looked up at her solemnly. 

“I'm Eliza, Johns friend.”

Alex remained quiet, picking at a loose thread on his joggers and not meeting Elizas eyes. John watched the pair from around the corner, silently praying their conversation wouldn’t end in a panic attack. 

“He told me what happened-”

At that his face dropped and he looked up to find where John was, eyeing him sadly. John knew he told him he wouldn't tell anyone but he wasn't going to let him remain unsafe. He mouthed “I'm sorry” and Alex nodded in acknowledgment. 

“...If you want to talk with someone about what's going on to see what we can do I'm more than willing to listen.”

“John...”

Alex spoke in a tone barely above a whisper, Eliza looking back at John and motioning for him to come over. 

“Alex look at me.”

John walked over and knelt before Alex, who's head slowly came up at his voice. 

“I'm right here. And I will be right here for as long as you need.” 

Alex nodded and John grabbed his hands, squeezing them a little as he looked at him. He would give the world to see him happy instead of panicky and desolate.  
-  
John somehow did convince him to talk to Eliza, Alex talking slowly and taking minute breaks to calm himself down every few sentences. John sat next to him, offering his hand to him when he started to get shaky. Alex took it tentatively and held it tightly until Eliza said he could be done talking. They were getting up to leave, Eliza giving Alex her card, when his phone rang. The earth seemed to stop spinning as the default marimba ringtone blared out throughout the room.

“I-I need to take this.”

Alex barley stammered out his words before pulling his phone out and jogging out of the room, leaving Eliza and John silenced.

“You know if he wants him home there isn’t anything we can do, not for a few days until I can get a report in.”

“I know.”

John sighed and sat down in the chair Alex had been it, drumming his fingers on the table.  
The pair remained silent until Alex returned, John almost knocking his chair over to stand up.

“Asked me where I was, told him I stayed with someone, not that I came here. Wants me home.”

Alex spoke in choppy sentences, shoving his hands in his pockets and rocking on his heels.

“I’ll drive you back.”

John grabbed his keys from the table, hugging Eliza goodbye before walking out with Alex.  
-  
He drove in silence, Alex only speaking to tell him which way to go. They reached a townhouse neighborhood, Alex clearly nervous when he told him to stop in front of a new looking brick complex. It hurt him that he couldn't do much of an thing. 

John reached over to squeeze Alex's hand as he got out of the car

“Call me, please.”

Alex nodded and squeezed his hand in return before hopping out and jogging up the steps to the front door, someone from the inside opening the door before he could and ushering him inside. The door slammed behind him and John stayed for a few seconds before taking a deep breathe and driving off.  
-  
“Missed you my love.”

Charles grabbed Alex by the arm and it took Alex all of his self control to not shove him off. Charles let go, disappearing into the kitchen and returning with some type of cocktail.

“Made us drinks.”

Though he used the word us it was clear he only made one drink, and Alex took it, sipping at it slowly. 

“Those aren’t your clothes, are they?”

He cocked an eyebrow and approached him again, running a hand over the Knicks logo on the front of the sweatshirt slowly as he spoke. His touch made Alex want to vomit, and he felt like that from the drink too.

“Guy I stayed with, offered me clothes to change into.”

His words were slurred as he spoke, and Charles chuckled.

“So that's what you did? Got all upset at me so you went out and found someone to fuck around with? Even got yourself a souvenir.”  
He tugged at the drawstrings on his joggers and Alex lurched backyards, barely able to grab onto the counter to steady himself. He didn't feel right, but there was no way one drink could get him drunk he thought to himself as he tried to stand up straight. Before he could open his mouth to speak Charles had him by the shoulders steering him towards the direction of their bedroom. Alex heard the door open and close, and felt Charles tugging at the drawstrings on his joggers again before being overcome by dizziness and everything going black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay eliza! yay john! nooo alex ):
> 
> poor baby, he'll get happiness at some point
> 
> please leave feedback, it means the world!!!!


	4. focal point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uploading this from my phone, any grammar stuff will be fixed tomorrow. 
> 
> tumblr: fn-hamilton  
> twitter: 1776trash

It was dark when he woke up. He sat up in bed and fell back down because his head just felt to heavy to hold up. Alex patted the area around him and let his breathe hitch when he realized Charles was gone. John John John. He needed John or Eliza, anyone for that matter but he wasn't going to get them from bed. He used his hands to propel himself up, wincing at the sharp pain in his lower back. It took him getting up and walking across the room to realize he didn't have a single piece of clothing on, all of the clothing John had given him strewn across the floor. He almost didn't put the pieces together until he stepped on Charles boxers trying to get to his closet, and put his clothes, well Johns, back on with blurry vision because his eyes were now flooded with tears. When he was dressed he walked to the bathroom to look himself in the mirror, vomiting into the bathroom sink at the sight of himself. His hairline was red and irritated from his hair being yanked back and large hickies covered his neck along with a few scratch marks. Wiping his face off with a towel, he shook his hair and out and threw his slippers on before running out the front door. He didn't bother to clean out the sink, partly to spite Charles when he came back and part because he didn't have the motivation.  
-  
He tried his best to remember the path Johns car took from the crisis center, which wasn't made eaiser by the fact that it was no earlier than 11 at night. He eventually reached the familiar building, spotting Eliza gathering her things to go home inside. He more or less shoved open the door, Eliza jumping five feet in the air at the sudden sound.

She stumbled backwards and was about to make an empty threat about having a gun in her desk before realizing who it was and rushing over to him. 

“Alex oh my god what happened?”

He tried to get words out, but the only sound he managed to produce was a garbled “Charles” before he clenched his jaw and a few tears ran down his face. 

“I will be right back I promise I'm just gonna tell John to come down okay?”

She kissed his head lightly and he nodded, sitting himself down in the same waiting room chair he had been in earlier  
-  
John was sleeping in his bed when he heard his phone ring, raising an eyebrow when he saw the caller ID. 

“Eliza I hope you have good reason for calling me this late because I would very much like to sleep.”

“It's Alex.”

It took him a moment to process what she said, putting his phone down to pull on a sweatshirt and put his shoes on, not caring enough to change out of his pajama pants as he scrawled another note for Hercules and bolted out the door, phone back to his ear. Quite frankly he wanted to burst into tears. Something happened to Alex after the door to his house closed behind him and it was his fault for driving him home in the first place. He knew there was not much else he could have done but right now he just wanted to turn back time and drive Alex as far away from Manhattan as possible. 

“I was getting ready to head home and he ran in, scared me half to death, and mumbled something about Charles. He looks miserable and his neck is covered in bruises, please come.”

“I am tell him I am.”

With that John hung up and threw himself behind the steering wheel of his car, running red lights and stop signs to get to the center. When he got there he parked as close as possible and ran inside, Eliza greeting him at the door. 

“He won't talk to me, keeps saying he wants you.”

Eliza motioned to where Alex sat, his knees to his chest and his eyes puffy, with her head and bit her lip. 

“About his neck...they don't look like bruises from a hit, if I'm being honest they look like hickies.”

At the last word John felt his heart rise into his throat and he clenched his fist. If he didn't have to be here he would be elsewhere running over Charles with his car. 

He nodded and approached Alex, kneeling down in front of him and placing a hand on his knee. 

“I'm here, I told you I would be.”

Alex dropped his knees from his chest but kept his eyes on the ground, gingerly reaching out to put his hand over Johns. 

“Eliza said you mentioned something about your boyfriend, can you tell me what happened?”

Alex lifted his head slowly and John switched to sitting criss cross on the floor in front of him, holding his hand loosely. 

“I walked in and he was acting nice, weirdly nice. Said he made me something to drink which I took and I barley remember anything after that but I woke up to him gone, and our clothes on the floor.”

Alex spoke in an eerily confident manner, his voice trembling but his words coming out easier than John thought they would. John got up to sit next to him, still holding his hand. 

“Do you think...?”

“I know.”

Alex brushed a piece of hair behind his ear and chewed on his bottom lip in an attempt to keep himself from crying. He was doing good, better than he normally did, but it was so damn hard. 

“Okay.”

John breathed out and got quiet, holding his hand a little tighter as he studied the floor. He was drawn out of his silence by Alex mumbling something inaudible and he turned to look at him confused. 

“Hm?”

“Please help me.”

Alex choked out the three word sentence as the tears started flowing and he made no effort to stop them, John pulling his hand away to wrap both of his arms around him, Alexs face buried in the crook of his shoulder. 

“I promise I will.”  
-  
After a bit of crying Alex told John what little bits he remembered of the past night, and John relayed them to Eliza so she could start on a full report. When they were done Alex agreed to John taking him back to his apartment, Alex crashing as soon as his head hit the pillow and John stepping out off the room to talk to Hercules. 

“Looks like you found yourself quite the stray cat.”

Hercules said lightly an handed John a glass of water as he sat down on the couch. John chuckled a bit and shook his head. 

“I'm glad I did, Elizas putting in a report on the boyfriend first thing in the morning.”

Hercules nodded and sat up a little straighter as he began talking again. 

“I know you don't go in on Tuesdays and I don't have any clients tomorrow so if you wouldn't mind I'd like ya'll to stick around for the day. If you plan on keeping the cat I'd like to get to know him a little better.”

John but his water down and nodded, glancing into the bedroom to make sure Alex was still out before he repsponded. 

“Yeah yeah that'll work we don't have anywhere to be, but tread carefully will ya?”

“Wouldn't dream of doing otherwise.”

He patted him on the shoulder before turning his attention back to the TV and putting on the first thing that came up on their suggested on Netflix, a documentary about spies in WW2. A little ways through, Herucles open his mouth to comment, only to notice that John had fallen asleep next to him. He laughed to himself and left him there, finishing the documentary before going to bed himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoping to include herc more in coming chapters, also have i ever mentioned how much charles lee sucks?????
> 
> leave feedback please!!! :*
> 
> (AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT TODAYS HAM4HAM MY GROFFLIN HEART IS DEAD)


	5. then you'll loose your mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some fluff to make you happy before everything goes to hell again (:
> 
> tumblr: fn-hamilton  
> twitter: 1776trash

John woke up around 8, being the first one up in the apartment and extremely uncomfortable from sleeping on the couch. The first thing on his mind when he woke up was Alex, who he was glad to see has slept through the night when he peeked into his room. Rubbing his eyes, he flicked on the TV before watching into the kitchen and starting breakfast. He went about it quietly, humming to himself as he made enough bacon and toast for 3 people. The toast dinged in time with the door to his bedroom creaking open, a bed head ridden Alex on the other side.

“G'Morning John.”

Alex had both of the blankets from Johns bed wrapped around him, his hair frizzy and falling into his eyes. John would be lying if he said he didn't find it adorable.

“G'Morning bed head.”

John chuckled and Alex cracked a smile, sitting down on the couch and wrapping the blanket tighter around him. John got their plates together, leaving Hercules' on the counter and sitting down next to Alex, who started eating as soon as he got his plate.

“Slept through the night for once.”

Alex mumbled as he ate his toast, looking to John with an almost proud smile.

“I hope you can do that more often now.”

John spoke sincerely and ate his food, his eyes finding their way back to watch Alex every few moments. Within 20 minutes they were joined by Hercules, who sat on the chair opposite Alexs end of the couch.

“Never really got the chance to introduce myself, I'm Hercules. Went to college with your buddy John and am living here for the foreseeable future.”

Hercules held out his hand and Alex leaned forward to shake it before retreating back into his blanket pile.

“Well until he moves in with 'Liza”

Alex raised an eyebrow at John and he nodded.

“Our Eliza, they've been head over heels for almost a year but Hercules here is too chicken to talk about getting a place together.”

Alex laughed and emerged from his blankets again.

“She almost threatened to murder me last night when I ran into the center, seems nice though.”

Hercules flushed red and shook his head smiling.

“That's my girl.”  
-  
The trio stayed on the couch, joking around and getting to know each other more for two more hours before Hercules got a text from Eliza, who was home for lunch, asking him to come over for "coffee” (his words, not the texts as far as they were concerned) and booked it out, leaving John and Alex alone watching Meerkat Manor. They watched it silence for a bit, John so absorbed in it that he didn't realize the blanket blob that was Alex scootching closer to him, Alex resting his head on his shoulder.

“Mmmmf”

He grumbled out and John turned his head to look down at him, giggling a little and tapping his cheek.

“Yes Alexander?”

“So.tired.”

Alex slumped even more against John, shutting his eyes for a few moments before opening them and batting his eyes at John playfully.

“You're adorable.”

Alex smiles and John he saw his cheeks flush red but thankfully for a now very shy Alex, he ignored it.

“And as true at that fact is if you go back to sleep now you won't be able to fall asleep tonight.”

John turned his body so that Alex was resting back against his chest, John draping an arm around him mindlessly. Alex took his hand and held it loosely as he talked.

“Not like I wouldn't be use to that.”

He sighed and got quiet, fiddling with Johns hand in his as Meerkat Manor continued to play in the background.  
-  
They stayed like that for a bit until John convinced to move a few feet to the kitchen to eat lunch, and then another 10 feet to the bathroom to shower.

John laid himself out of the couch, picking up his phone when he heard the water start running.

>>'liza!!!  
you back at work yet?

<<'liza  
yep, made herc stay because my cat is sick and i didn't want to leave her alone, what's up?

>>'liza  
i am having a midlife crisis

<<'liza  
you're barley 25 but continue

>>'liza  
so alex woke up today and came out my room with every blanket in my room wrapped around him and i found it cute??? he looked like a baby burrito and it was just very adorable in general and i hate myself because he's relying on me to help him not fall for him.

<<'liza  
awwwww johns got a crushhhh (-;  
but i wouldn't feel bad about it, i mean it probably isn't convenient to tell him that right now but you can't control how you feel. he is pretty cute (((((:

John began to type out a response when he heard the bathroom door crack open, chucking his phone across the couch as he turned to see Alex poking his head out.

“Having clothes to put on would be preferable.”

He called out playfully and John jumped off the couch to run into his room to grab a Nike pullover and warm up pants, walking back to the bathroom and opening the door a little to give them to a towel clad Alex.

“Thank you for having a decent taste in clothes.”

Alex bit his lip in a smile and shut the door, not being able to see John when he flopped face first onto the couch. Seeing as he was face down on the couch he didn't see when Alex walked out, his wet hair thrown into a man bun and Johns clothes once again huge on him.

“Hey buddy...”

Alex sat down next to him, holding in a laugh as he shook him a little, John shooting up so fast he almost head-butted him. When he looked at him his cheeks were bright red, and Alex suddenly found himself getting shy. He had only known John for a few days but he would trust him with his first born child, okay only with close supervision, but there was something about him that made him want to trust him him. And not just from an emotional aspect either, he was far far away from bad looking. But he wouldn't let himself get attached to him, getting attached to people only ended in getting hurt.

John shook his hair out and laughed a little, dropping his head in his hands.

“Ya know you're pretty adorable yourself Laurens.”

Alex ruffled his hair a little and he raised his face from his hands, finding it hard to hide his smile. He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the front door swinging open, Hercules standing in the doorway.

“Hey uh John can you come out here for a sec?”

He sounded panicked, which was rare for the tough man so John was naturally concerned when he noticed that and the fact that he was shaking slightly. Hopping off the couch, he followed Herc out and closed the door behind them.

“He's downstairs.”

John knew, but in denial, he asked anyways.

“Who's he?”

“Charles is downstairs I was coming back from Elizas when he stopped me outside and asked if I knew of an John Laurens who lived here. I didn't answer him but I booked it out so he probably knows, I doubt he left.”

By now John was pacing, his hands shoved in his pockets and his mouth shut. How did he even know where to find him? He knew he probably got his name from the inside of the Knicks sweatshirt he let Alex borrow but how the hell did he find his apartment complex?

“Go back downstairs, go to the corner store or something and text me if anything happens I'm going back inside with Alex.”

John turned to walk back into the apartment, only to ram straight into a man much taller than him with slicked back black hair.

“Oh are we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol ya'll thought 
> 
> leave feedback pls!!!! i love ya'll (,:


	6. further than i thought i could

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: fn-hamilton  
> twitter: 1776trash
> 
> all i know about police/the law i know from tv shows so bare with the unrealistic-ness please

They didn't think he did, but Alex heard every word of what was going on outside of the door, and he felt like he was going to faint when he heard Charles. Getting up quickly, he ditched the blankets and ran into Johns bedroom, letting the door slam and locking it behind him. Letting the door slam was a bad idea, as it could be heard from the hallway.  
-  
“So you're the man who's been giving him little souvenirs...trying to prove something are ya? Well I hate to do this the hard way pretty boy but Alexander is mine.”

Charles placed a finger on Johns chest, pushing him against the door, Hercules sending a quick text to Eliza and shoving his phone back in his pocket. 

“You gave him some souvenirs too, Charles Lee, but I think he prefers sweatshirts to bruises and being raped.”

John shoved his hand off and spat in his face as he talked, putting extra emphasis on his name. Charles didn't seem phased, and simply shoved John aside to push the already cracked apartment door open. 

-

“Alexander I know you're in here sweet boy, time to come home.”

John chased after him, growing frantic when he realized Alex had hid somewhere and jumping in front of his path. He swore he heard Hercules mutter something along the lines of “tear this dude apart” but every sound in the room was blocked out as he punched Charles square in the jaw, sending him flying backwards into the counter. Though bleeding, he stumbled forward towards to door to his bedroom, shoving John to the floor where he landed on his ankle. He tried to stand up using the table and yelped out in pain for Hercules, who was still in the hallway, to do something. It was clear Charles was quite dazed but was alert enough to kick the door, breaking the wood where his boot clad foot hit. Picking a candle holder up off the desk, he slammed it into the door hard enough for it to break the wood above the lock so that he could reach in from in front and unlock the door. Before he could go through with that plan however, Herc grabbed him from behind in a headlock and tossed him against the table, Charles now too hurt to move. Eliza was now watching all of this go down from the door, dialing 911 as she watched. Within minutes police arrived and took him away for assault and property damage, Eliza stopping them outside to talk about the other issues. When she does finished and they left, her and Hercules made sure Johns ankle wasn't more than sprained before leaving to give Alex and John time alone. 

-

Now able to walk, John opened the door to his room and walked in quietly, spotting Alex on the floor by the window, curled up in a ball with tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Hey...”

John said softly as he sat down against the bed across from him, Alex not looking up. 

“He's gone. The police came and he's gone and he won't be back again, not ever.”

Alex stayed in his position, mumbling under his breathe. John was lying, he had to be lying. He always came back. Always ruined any shot he had at being happy. He wanted to trust John more than anything and he did, it wasn't his fault he didn't know. 

“He'll come back, always does.”

“The last person who pressed charges dropped them, we sure as hell are not.”

“That person was me John, I didn't have a choice.”

Alex looked up and snapped at him before dropping his head again and letting out a long sigh. 

“You do now.”

John moved over to the wall next to Alex sat quietly, pulling the tissue box down from the window sill to hand him. He took it and looked up, wiping his face and moving closer to John, his knees still to his chest as he leaned into his side. John placed a hand in his hair and ran his hands through it slowly as Alex relaxed. 

“Do you wanna move to the bed?”

“Can we stay here for now?”

John nodded and returned to the quiet, Alex hiccuping through the last of his tears. 

“Alex look at me”

John whispered after a minute and Alex tilted backwards to look up at him. 

“You're safe here, please know that.”

Alex pulled away to look at him for a moment before leaning back against him. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Alex pulled up, looking at the hole in the door and then back at John. 

“I'll pay for the door.”

“No Alex.”

John said a little more sternly then he intended, softening his face as Alex sighed.  
-  
The sat on the floor for 30 more minutes until Alex spoke up that he needed to pee, John laughing and walking into the kitchen as Alex headed towards the bathroom.  
-  
Alex was lying, he didn't have to pee. If feeling like he was going to throw up counted than he wasn't really lying. He locked the door behind him and looked in the mirror at himself. He was swimming in Johns clothes, his hair strewn around his shoulders. Johns clothes. John John John. That's all he could think of. Here was this man who offered him help without knowing him for more than two minutes. He took him into his home and wasn't scared of his panic attacks and gave him his clothes....he cared about him. That wasn't a feeling he was very familiar with and honestly? It scared him to no end.  
-  
He must have been in there for longer than he thought because he was startled by John knocking on the door. 

“You alright in there?”

Alex waited a moment before opening the door to face him. 

“Yep...just tired.”

“I don't blame you.”

John said when he walked out, following him to the couch wearily. 

“You've had a rough day and Herc is staying with Eliza so my plan was to order pizza and watch more Netflix documentaries, that good for you?”

“That sounds perfect.”

Alex said as he slid down against the couch arm, using Johns lap as a foot rest and watching him intently as he looked for something on Netflix.  
-  
Eventually they decided on a documentary about Leonardo Da Vinci, Alex turning around to around to use John as headrest, pouting a little when he had to move to answer the door for the pizza man. They got onion and sausage, Alexs favorite, and he laid on his back with his head in Johns lap as he ate, John looking down at him with an endearing look every once and a while. The documentary was in its final 15 minutes when Alex yawned, flipping over onto his stomach and using Johns lower legs as a pillow. 

“Can't even make it through one Da Vinci documentary?”

John shook his head laughing and got up, which prompted Alex to sit up. 

“I'm sorry but this couch is the worst place to sleep, I'm going to my bed and you're welcome to join.”

It took Alex blushing the realize the gravity of what he said, as his pupils dilated in embarrassment. 

“I-I mean like I said, it's really, quite uncomfortable on here.”

He stammered out and Alex stood.

“I'd be glad to join you.”  
-  
Alex fell asleep first, resting face down on Johns chest, his hair falling around him. John looked at the window at the light wine rustling the trees, then back at Alex. There was something that made him special to him. He'd worked with more abuse victims that he could count over the past two years but Alex was different. He let Alex sleep in his bed and wear his clothes and eat his food. And he didn't want to stop. He looked down at the sleeping man on top of them and ran a hand loosely through his hair, kissing his head before pulling away with a sour face, closing his eyes and going to sleep. Expect Alexander wasn't asleep, and not a bone in his body wanted to stop John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happiness in on the way, slowly but surely.


	7. warning sign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look an update!!!  
> tumblr; fn-hamilton  
> twitter; 1776trash
> 
> trigger warning for more graphic talk of rape. if you want me to send you the chapter without it shoot me a message and i will be glad to do so!

In the next week and a half, things got better. John and Eliza convinced Alex to go get tested, and finding out that he was clean lifted a huge weight off of his shoulders, it was a reminder that Charles really was gone. Getting him to agree to seeing a therapist was a slightly different story but John didn't push it. He was just happy to see him happier. But there was one thing pressing in his mind. As much as Alex swimming in his clothes made him giggle he would probably like getting his own things back.   
-  
“Xander?”

John called out the nickname Herc had given him as he walked into their room, Alex sitting criss cross on the floor in front of his bed writing vigorously in a journal he had given him. He looked up when John entered, tapping the floor next to him with his pencil to get John to sit next to him.

“So I was thinking…”

John said as he sat down, Alex quickly shutting his notebook and twirling his pencil in his fingers.

“As adorable as you look in my clothes, I think we should go back to your house and get your stuff. Not just your clothes, I’m sure you have other things at the house that you want back.”

Alex stopped twirling his pencil at the mention of going back. He couldn’t go back, Charles would be there. Charles would be there and try to take over him again, try to hurt John.

“Charles…”

“He’s gone Alex remember, he got arrested, he’s not going to be there.”

Oh yeah, that.

Alex nodded a little, leaning back against John and using his pencil to twirl his curls. 

“But your clothes are comfyyyy..”

He droned out and batted his eyes, John making a big deal out of turning his head away so he didn’t have to meet his eyes. The dramatic action may have been a joke, but those eyes truly would be the death of him.  
-  
John loaded up the car with as many cardboard boxes he could find, taking the shortcut to get to Alexs house and pulling into the driveway slowly. Alexs breath hitched and John reached across to squeeze his hand.

“He isn’t here Alex, you’re safe now.”

Alex gave him a little nod, getting out of the car and grabbing two boxes out of the back before walking up behind John as he opened the door. It swung upon without a sound, the house greeting him the same way it had not too long ago. Expect this time Charles wasn’t there to greet him with drinks, drinks that would be drugged. It was quiet.

“You okay?”

John whispered and Alex mumbled a “mhm” in affirmation.

“I’m gonna grab the stuff you wanted from your office, you can either stay with me or go get your things from upstairs, if you stay here we can go up together.”

Alex remained silent, looking to the staircase and then back to John. He could do it, he was safe here now.

“I’m gonna head up.”

“Shout if you need me.”  
-  
Alex didn’t shout, but not because he didn’t need him. As soon as he stepped into his bedroom he wanted to scream, but he couldn’t make himself do it. Screaming was bad. Screaming made it worse. 

_“Make a damn sound and I’ll knock you into next week.”_

Charles words rang in his head as he dropped the boxes to the floor, lowering himself against the wall and clutching at the carpet, shaking his head as tears began to stream down his face.  
-  
John almost didn’t notice Alex when he walked upstairs to check on him, walking into what looked like the bedroom and growing nervous when he didn't see him.

“John”

He heard a voice croaking his name from the floor as he was walking out, taking two steps back. His heart dropping into his stomach when he saw Alex. 

”I'm here, I'm gonna sit down, okay?”

He spoke quietly and sat down next to him, Alex flinching. 

“I won't touch you but can I keep talking?”

Alex nodded and John sat up a little, moving the boxes away from them. 

“Your name is Alexander Hamilton, I'm John Laurens. We met at the laundry mat last week and some stuff happened so you came to stay with me. We went to where I work at a crisis center and you met Eliza. Eliza is dating our roommate Hercules and he's moving in with her soon. He told us that when we went out to lunch yesterday, remember where we ate?

John gave him a run down of the events of the past week, pausing after his last sentence to see if he would respond. He uncurled himself but still sat with his knees to his chest, shaking his head. 

“Okay, we ate at the bridge cafe, you ordered a chicken salad without the tomatoes. They gave you tomatoes anyways so you gave them to me.”

John held back a laugh at the memory of Alex taking every tomato out of his salad and building a tower of sorts on his napkin before sliding it over to him. 

“After that we wen-”

“This is where he raped me John.”

Alex looked up from his knees, his words half garbled by the lump in his throat but John heard him just fine. 

“Over there.”

He pointed to the bed, his hand shaking a mile a minute. 

“Alex you don't have to-”

“He would come in here when I was writing or reading, chuck my journel across the room and pin me down. He's bigger than me, I couldn't stop him if I tried. It was mostly little things, if you can even fucking call them little things”

John gave up trying to stop him and let him talk, his heart sinking lower with every word. He knew there was sexual abuse, and he knew he was raped the night he went back home from Johns but he didn't know the extent of it. 

“Hold me down and make me suck him off, make me give him handjobs while he choked me. It only ever went farther twice, I don't remember the second much because I was drugged but God the first time....”

His seemingly confident demeanor vanished as more tears ran down his face, his hands balling up into fists grasping at the sleeves of his sweatshirt. 

“I can't forget it John. I can't. I took two steps in here and just broke. I told you I was doing better, I thought I was. I'm not.”

By now his whole face was wet, his eyes bloodshot from crying and the throat dry as he spoke. 

“Alex it's okay to not be okay, well it isn't because I want to you be happy but please don't lie. I can't do anything to help you if I don't know when you're struggling.”

“You have helped me, I mean my head space is a nightmare but having you here has helped me.”

Alex let out an exasperated laugh when he was done talking and John leaned forward to grab a box, setting it on the floor between them. 

“If you tell me where your stuff is I'll grab it, you can go get a drink or something.”

“Left side of the closet”

Alex said as he stood up, using the dresser to steady himself. John followed, standing up with a box and walking towards his closet. 

“John wait....”

John turned on his heel and raised an eyebrow, Alex practically leaping forward and hugging him, resting his head on his shoulder with his arms around his neck. 

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is gonna be the last super sad chapter for a bit, happiness is coming. (well , for a bit.)
> 
>  
> 
> leave feedback!!!


	8. announcment (:

Hello all! No this (sadly) isn't a new chapter but I just wanted to let y'all know that I made a side blog on tumblr for the sole purpose of talking about my fics, so for the time being, this story! I have no clue how to embed links on here but the user is molliewritesfic, come talk to me! Next actual chapter should be out tomorrow night.


	9. how much to give

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> google translate french, will add translations in the morning!  
> tumblr: molliewritesfic  
> twitter: 1776trash

When they got back to the apartment John cleared out an area in his closet for Alex, leaving his Knicks sweatshirt and the other clothes of his he seemed to like on Alexs side. Alex hung every piece of clothing carefully, and John wanted to question it but he decided not to. When he was done he joined him on the couch. 

“I know you don't want to, but I really think you should see a therapist, we have them at the center.”

Alex picked at his cuticles and shrugged, sitting criss cross. He knew John was right, and he knew a therapist would help but he hated admitting that he needed help more than anything. When John was met with silence he continued talking. 

“I have a friend Lafayette who's a therapist at the center. He's french, you said you speak french right?”

At that Alex looked up

“For someone named John, your friends have really weird names.”  
-  
The next morning John was awoken to the sound of Alex typing at his laptop next to him. At 5:20 am. 

“Alex...?”

John sat up and Alex gave him a little nod, but didn't look at him. 

“It's 5:20 am what the hell are you doing?”

“When my life was more normal that it is now I submitted freelance articles to the New York Post, just getting an early start.”

Alex spoke more to his screen that John, prompting John to take the laptop off of him. 

“You haven't slept all night have you?”

He closed the laptop and set it on the floor next to to the bed, Alex still not looking at John as he shook his head. 

“Slept an hour, when I woke up you were out like a light and I didn't want to bug you so I just grabbed my laptop. It cleared my head.”

He lifted his head a little and sighed, sliding back down to slump  
against the pillows. He woke up after an hour because he had a nightmare, but John didn't need to know that. 

“You can wake me up if that happens again, I may be groggy but I won't be pissed...”

He chided and pushed Alexs hair away from his face as he slumped down next to him. Alexs heart did backflips at his touch, but not in the way it did when Charles touched him. 

“Sun won't be up for another 2 hours, let's go back to sleep...”

John rolled over onto his back, Alex rolling over onto his stomach and letting his arms fall, one of them falling over Johns chest.  
-  
It was 10:30 am when John woke up again, Alexs arm still draped over him, expect he now held onto his hand loosely, not realizing exactly what he was holding onto until he looked down. His breathe hitched when he noticed, Alex waking up as if on queue and turning his head to look at him. 

“G'morning.”

He mumbled and John nodded in affirmation, pulling his hand out of his slowly, hoping Alex didn't notice. Expect he did, and bit on his bottom lip nervously. 

John didn't say anything about, trying to push it from his mind as he rolled out of bed and threw his curls into a messy bun. 

“Breakfast?”

“Mhm.”

Alex got out of bed and shook out his hair, John getting a little distracted by him and staring. Alex noticed and laughed as he cleared his throat. 

“My hair is pretty damn majestic.”

John looked away to prevent Alex from seeing his cheeks turn red and walked into the kitchen, starting on bacon and eggs. He heard the shower turn and took advantage of that to call the center. 

“Hello Eliza at Lower Manhattan Crisis Relief how can I be of assistance today?”

“Hellooo Eliza at LMCR!”

John droned back and Eliza pushed her mic away from her headset to laugh. 

“Is there a reason you couldn't call my cell?”

“I have this number on speed dial, is Laf in today?”

He heard her chair rolling around on the other end and Eliza yelling something he couldn't quite hear before the chair rolled again and she was back. 

“He's here, did Alex finally agree to come in?”

“Somewhat, but he knows I have to go in to pick up paper work so he's tagging along and I'm hoping if he meets Laf he'll be more open to talking to him.”

He heard the water turn off and stepped farther than he already was from the bathroom. 

“He's here until 5 and I'm here until 4, can't wait to see you two.”

And with that she hung up, John shoving his phone back in his pocket and finishing preparing breakfast, Alex emerging from the bathroom as he was plating. He wore his own clothes, pants wise, but had on one of Johns NYU sweatshirts. John didn't think to mention it. 

“Good shower?”

“It was wet.”

Alex deadpanned and John choked on his bacon, Alex laughing at him. It took him a moment to get himself together, and he ate more carefully. 

“We're going to the center today right?

Alex twirled his fork through his fingers and John nodded, taking another bite of his food. This time it was Alex that caught himself starting. John was still in his pajamas, which consisted of a "#blm" muscle tank and plaid pajama pants hanging around his hips. He hadn't even brushed his hair and he still looked almost angelic to him. 

”I was thinking we could head out when we're done eating if that's good with you?”

Johns voice snapped him out of his trance, and he sincerely hoped he didn't notice him staring. 

“Good with me.”  
-  
The two were already walking down the hallway, John so distracted by Alex rambling about Donald Trump that he didn't realize he was still in his pajamas. 

“Congress would never-...John?”

John raised an eyebrow and Alex put his arm out to stop him from walking forward more. 

“Look at what you're wearing.”

John glanced down and his eyes grew when he realized his...outfit of choice. 

“Stay here, I'll be right back.”

Alex couldn't help but laugh at John as he ran back down the hallway in his pajamas, fumbling with the door for a good minute before getting it open. Almost as quickly as he ran off, he was back in khakis and a blue button down. 

“Spiffy.”

Alex remarked quietly and they continued on their way down the hallway.  
-  
They were halfway to the center when Alexs hands started sweating, and he felt his heart start to beat a little faster. The last time he had been at the center was the night he ran out of his house at 11:30 at night. John noticed the color drain from his face and slowed the car down. 

“You good?”

“Pull over, please.”

He stammered out and John did so without hesitation, unbuckling Alexs seatbelt before unbuckling his own and flicking the tinted window switch on. 

“Are you nervous about going back to the center?”

Alex nodded, he wasn't nervous per-say but the route they were taking was the same one he had taken by foot and it felt like all his memories from that night were fighting for a place in his head. 

“Last time it was after I left Charles, when I ran to the center at night praying that Charles wasn't secretly following me. I'm saying that same prayer now.”

John slowly drew his hand out, placing it next to Alex. Alex hesitated for a moment but grabbed it, intertwining their fingers and squeezing. 

“Breathe in for 5 out for 4, in for 4 out for 3, just keep going down.”

Alex followed Johns instructions to the best of his ability, his voice shaky as he counted the breathes out out-loud. When he got to 1 he relaxed, tentatively letting go of his hand. 

“We can drive now, I'll be okay.”

He knew John didn't buy it, but he kept driving anyways, the rest of the ride silent.  
-  
When they got to the center Eliza practically threw herself out of her chair to greet them, hugging John and raising an eyebrow towards Alex, hugging him after he nodded. 

“I haven't seen you guys in 2 days!”

“Tragic really.”

Alex rolled his eyes laughing, John went to say something but was cut off but Lafayette walking into the room. 

“This votre chat errant?”

Alex looked up at the sudden voice, and use of french, not noticing John smiling a little smugly. 

“C'est moi.”

Alex shrugged and stuck out his hand, Laf shaking it with both of his. 

“Vous ne dites pas le chat parlait français?”

Laf pulled his hands away and turned to John raising an eyebrow. 

“I haven't got a clue what you're saying.”

John said, almost proudly, and Laf rolled his eyes. 

“Well anywho, it's nice to meet you Alex. I work as a therapist and translator here, if you need either I'm office 3A.”

The word therapist sounded an alarm in his head, that was quickly silenced by John looking at him solemnly, nodding towards Laf. Alex didn't say anything out loud but trusted that John knew what he meant when he mouthed “want help.” He nodded and gave Lafayette a knowing look.

“I'm free for the next hour if you want to come to my office, we can do a mini session and fill out paperwork for if you want to continue.”

Alex nodded and went to step away from Johns side, but not before muttering “please don't leave” and letting out a small sigh when John held up as pinkie, as if linking it with an imaginary air pinkie.  
-  
Alex was done within 45 minutes, and left feeling a little proud of himself. He didn't open up as much as he presumed everyone wanted him to but he was able to give Lafayette a general idea of what happened. He also may have possibly gone on about John for a good 20 minutes but Laf, for reasons of his own, didn't stop him. John was sitting in a chair across from his office waiting for him, Laf following Alex out. 

“Votre chat did well, we got all the paperwork done and I do hope you'll come back Alex.”

He cracked a smile and sat down in the seat next to John, only for Lafayette to ask for a word with him in his office. Alex brushed it off and scrolled though the headlines on his phone aimlessly. 

“Was he okay?”

John fiddled with his hands and Laf reached over his desk to squeeze his arm. 

“You're acting more nervous then he did, he did just fine.”

John smiled at that, glancing out the window in the door towards Alex, who was hunched over his phone. 

“You're doing a great thing by helping him through this. A greater thing than I think you realize.”

John felt his face grow hot and he looked down as he began speaking. 

“He's great.”

Lafayette smiled giddily at Johns reaction, tapping the desk with his pen to get him to look back up. 

“You care about him-”

“more than anything.”

“more than you're letting on, I know you John. I see it in the way you are with him and what he mentioned about you two.”

Laf held back a giggle as Johns faced turned red, his lips almost curving into a smile before he realized the gravity of what he said and frowned instead. Lafayette wasn't wrong, and he hated it. 

“I feel awful, I don't know why I'm acting like this when I've worked with countless other people with cases like his. You can't hint at this, not in the slightest.”

His tone grew more nervous, and Laf pointed to a sealed lips poster on his wall. 

“You aren't my patient but I extend you patient confidentiality rules to you.”  
-  
Laf was right about not directly telling Alex of Johns almost confession, but he couldn't prevent him from walking to the door to wait for him and over hearing him. He jumped back when John opened the door , John looking at him flustered. 

“Ready to go?”

Alex didn't say anything, just followed John out. The rest of the day was oddly quiet, Alex only moving away from his laptop to get pizza. They fell asleep early, John earlier than Alex. Alex lay awake again like the night before, looking towards John. A part of him wanted to move closer and let himself drift off to sleep on him in some way or form, but for once decided against it and fell asleep curled up in a ball on the opposite side of the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the feelings train! at least it's more feelings-y than sad, for now. 
> 
> leave feedback!!! :*


	10. right in front of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr- molliewritesfic   
> & fn-hamilton  
> twitter- 1776trash

Alex, for once, fell asleep and stayed asleep until the next morning. John woke up before him, his heart sinking a little when he saw him at the other end of the bed curled into himself. He got up and left him sleeping, going out into the living room and turning the TV on. Alex joined him soon after, but instead of sitting next to him he sat on the other couch, his laptop on his knees as he typed away in silence. John was a little concerned at his change of behavior but tried to push it to the back of his mind, getting up and going to make coffee. He brought back two mugs, Alex shaking his head when he held out to him. 

“Well it's here if you want it.”

He set it on the lamp table next to him and turned his attention back to the TV.   
-  
They rest of their day was relatively the same, quiet. Instead of following John wherever he went like he normally did Alex stayed on the couch on his laptop, it wasn't until he refused to get up and walk 2 feet to the counter to get lunch that John said something. 

“Alex are you okay? You've been staying at least foot away from me all day, it isn't like you.”

John waked out from behind the counter and back to the couch, but chose to stand instead of sitting back down.Alex lifted his head, he looked peeved, a state John hadn't really seen him in before. 

“It isn't like a rape victim to not like being touched?”

He grumbled and looked back down, continuing on typing. John was a little taken aback, but tried not to let it show. 

“That isn't what I meant, you know that.”

He raised his hands as he talked, a habit of his when he was exasperated. He hadn't gone into a state like that with Alex present before, so he didn't realize the implications of his action until he heard Alex suck in his breathe. When he looked down at him his eyes were squeezed shut. 

“Alex-”

“Please don't I'll stay closer I'll listen please don't.”

It took John longer than it should have to realize the cause for his sudden panic, and he let his hand drop. The sound of it slapping his thigh made Alex flinch. 

“I'm not going to hit you. I'm gonna sit back down on the couch across from you.”

He sat down and folded his hands in his lap. Alex let his face relax, cut didn't look up, instead just looking down at the area rug. 

“Can I talk?”

Alex nodded weakly. 

“I didn't mean my question in a bad way, I respect whatever boundaries you set for us. I just got concerned when you went from being practically glued to me to avoiding me at all costs, you haven't been like that since we've met.”

Alex rocked his heels on the floor as he took in what John was saying. 

“I'm sorry I raised my hands and scared you, I talk with my hands when I'm agitated but I should have known not to with you. I would never ever even think of hitting you, or harming you in anyway. I care about you Alex.”

He sighed and rested his head in his hands, looking off. 

“More than you're letting on.”

Alex mumbled what he had heard Lafayette say the previous day, causing John to look up abruptly. 

“What?”

“That's what Laf said, I heard what he said to you.” 

Alex looked up and reached his hand out to tap Johns leg to get him to look up, and he did, his face growing redder by the second. 

“Alex I'm sorry I don't mean to come off that way if that's what you're getting at I care about you a lot, saying more than I let on isn't a lie but I don't want you to th-”

“John breathe.”

He interrupted him and John hesitantly paused to take in a deep breathe, letting it out after a few seconds. 

“Don't tear yourself to shreds without me joining in, I feel the same.”

His voice got quieter on the last sentiment, his hands a little shaky as he popped his knuckles in nervousness. 

“You make me feel safe, and wanted. I've been avoiding you because the last time I let myself feel that way with someone it all went to hell. I trust you, but I'm scared.”

The lump in his throat grew with every word and his voice cracked, which he winced at. He was weak. 

“Me too. Not as bad as you had it obviously, but my last relationship wasn't exactly peachy either.”

John mumbled and looked down, looking back up when he felt a thumb brush across his knuckles, Alex having taken his hand in his. 

“John...”

“I know.”  
-  
The sat in silence for a bit, Alex intertwining their hands and studying John in his silence. He was the embodiment of everything good in his life, he never wanted that to change. 

It was Alex who broke the silence first. 

“I don't want a physical relationship, not right now, I don't know if I ever will. I mean holding hands and just plain fully clothed touching isn't gonna send me into flashbacks but as for anything else. I can't say the same. I understand if you don't want that.”

He slipped his hand out of Johns slowly, only for John to re-grab it. 

“If you're ready tomorrow, if you're ready 2 weeks from now, if you're never ready, that doesn't change a single thing I think about you.”

Alex looked at him, the glint of a tears visible in her eyes. 

“Thank you.”

He spoke softly shifted so that he wasn't a foot away from him, now sitting to his side, his back against his shoulder. 

“And for my safety, and yours, I don't want to be public yet. I don't know how many people knew Charles but I know he has friends in the area. The crisis center people are okay, I include Hercules in them.”

John nodded

“He has friends?”

“Shockingly enough.”

Alex mumbled and rolled his eyes, laughing lightly. He reached back a little to grab Johns arm, pulling it over his shoulder and relaxing back more than he had been. John looked down at him, intertwining their fingers together again and draping his other arm around Alex. It was quiet, just a nice kind of a quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that wraps up this fic, but don't fret too much as i have another work planned for this series that'll branch off the ending to this. THANK YOU for sticking with this, it means the world, as does your feedback (:  
> (also if you know what song/musical the last sentence references then you get a cookie)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm still not 100% sure if i want to continue this so please leave feedback!!!  
> (update: im continuing but please still leave fb!!!)


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